Victoria Police has announced a sharp new approach to tackling a growing scourge in shared office kitchens across the state—cutlery hoarders.
Taskforce Silverwhere is set to target the insidious wave of workplace crime spreading through Victoria’s office buildings: workers with poor shared-space etiquette.
Communal cutlery drawers are overflowing with butter knives, while staff side-eye their colleagues, ready to pounce on anyone wielding a remotely useful utensil. The first operation, led by Forkensics, aims to address the alarming rise in salads being eaten with soup spoons and protein yoghurts consumed with butter knives.
Future crackdowns will target office offenders who:
Don’t clean the toastie maker Leave meal prep to rot in the communal fridge Eat tuna salad or reheated broccoli in an open-plan office Say “stopping all stations!” in the lift
A stolen cutlery amnesty will be held until 12 pm today.
Detective Inspector Mike Crowavè issued a stern warning:
“If you’re hoarding Anko’s finest forks and teaspoons at your desk, consider yourself on notice. We’ve had enough, petty cash has had enough, and we make no apologies for enforcing public forking decency.”
“This is one of the most significant, coordinated and proactive moves towards organised cutlery drawers this state has seen. I expect immediate results.”
To the few who clean their cutlery after use and the unsung heroes who manage the shared dishwasher—may the fork be with you.
Disclaimer:
This article is intended purely for entertainment purposes as part of an April Fool’s Day celebration. The events, characters, and quotes in this story are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. We hope it brought a smile to your face! 
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